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Literature
Run drabble
I run so that my ribs blaze hot rods over my lungs. Feet are just raw meat pads. I forget why I’m running until someone draws abreast.
‘Hi,’ he pants.
‘Fuck off,’ I say and push forward. Houses jog past and the pavement bounces up to meet me.
I escape for all of ten seconds before his hams heat and he catches me up.
‘Just slow down, okay?’
‘No.’
‘Okay,’ he says, lungs dripping down his chin. ‘I admit. You’re the fastest.’
I leave him to burn in the middle-afternoon, stretching and coughing. Of course, I arranged a head start.
Literature
Ansaldo on the Moon
Once upon a time, there lived a boy named Theodoric.
A Little boy was he, only the age of 3.
One night he looked up at the moon
And said to the moon a wish
“Ansaldo on the Moon,
Please hear my only wish.
Please let me see you
For this I hope you do.”
The boy called out to the moon for many days and many nights
Even when the boy turned the age of 4
Nothing was seen nothing more.
Every night there was no answer
“Ansaldo on the Moon,
Please hear my only wish.
Please let me see you
For this I hope you do.”
Then one night, when the wind was a fright
Ansaldo herd the little boy cry out once more
Feeling the
Literature
Angeles
They sent an angel, of course. They did every year, and the angels fluttered back with broken wings, pearlescent skin chipped like old porcelain. It was easy enough to repair the cracks that leaked blood like quicksilver, to mend the fingers bound in strips of cloth where sections had gone missing. But the angels were never quite the same again. Their eyes darker, warier, like pearls dipped in ink. Their golden hearts a pale dying amber within their translucent chests.
(Sometimes at night, you can pass a clump of the ones that have been sent down, clinging together, their sleep interspersed with screams, wordless sounds like the child-cry of
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So I had a couple beers, turned up the Crimson Tide soundtrack really loud, and let my inner 12-year-old write a story.
This is for #Writers-Workshop's "seeing is believing" prompt, which is all about description: Pick a scenario that your reader could not possibly have experienced, and make them believe that it is unfolding before them.
So I picked "B-17 bomber vs. a bunch of dragons." Enjoy.
EDIT 3-4-09: Thanks to *Autumn-Hills for helping me keep the names straight, and to *denlm for catching a first-person artifact.
EDIT 7-17-09: I went on a semicolon hunt after *BarbecuedIguana weighed in. I left one, but hopefully got the rest. Made a minor but key switch to the last line.
This is for #Writers-Workshop's "seeing is believing" prompt, which is all about description: Pick a scenario that your reader could not possibly have experienced, and make them believe that it is unfolding before them.
So I picked "B-17 bomber vs. a bunch of dragons." Enjoy.
EDIT 3-4-09: Thanks to *Autumn-Hills for helping me keep the names straight, and to *denlm for catching a first-person artifact.
EDIT 7-17-09: I went on a semicolon hunt after *BarbecuedIguana weighed in. I left one, but hopefully got the rest. Made a minor but key switch to the last line.
Mature
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Comments87
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactWow. Fast-paced action, totally realistic fantasy, and a twist at the end to boot! It's been a while since I've read your work, and I was pleasantly surprised by this piece.
There were a few sections that seemed awkwardly phrased. I would have rather heard "goatherd's son" than "son of a goatherd," for example; it broke up the flow for me. For the most part, you maintained that crucial quickness, but some lines felt slightly off.
The previous critic suggested present tense; personally, I love past tense, and feel that your wording stays out of the way of the story enough that it doesn't matter. When I read this, I wasn't focusing on mechanics; I was focusing on dragons! Don't tweak what's not broken.
All in all, an excellent story. I was completely enthralled by the world you created; from the first paragraph, I was hooked. The fact that it's realistic fantasy only made it better. Good job! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/c/c…" width="25" height="25" alt="
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