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January 2, 2013
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Three weeks in, we start on the horses. They buy us eight, maybe ten days. Then Captain makes us draw chits. Anyone shirks, he volunteers. No one shirks. The black chit puts up a fight, but he's too weak to change our minds. Brassy Bill did a stint swinging a hammer in a slaughterhouse before signing on with us, so he does the thing. Quick, but not neat.

I don't remember what it tastes like. Don't want to.

First time, we were almost civil. Captain even says a few words. We bury the bones at sea, all covered up in honors. That's the first time.

We're down four hands now. Bill doesn't even bother cleaning his mallet anymore, and we're using the bones to lure rats up from the hold.

Three months of limp sails. High, white sun and not a single cloud to block it. We're starving, thirsty, slowly mummifying, dying men. What we aren't is surprised.

The old salts call it withernaut, when the Sea of Bitter Tears goes to glass and her winds fall still, every seven or ten years, always summer. Fisherfolk sense it coming before anyone else, pull their nets up and pack off their families to work the mines for a half a year. Many a huckster and hedge priest is paid well to throw bones and predict it. Every time, some clutch of fools try to beat it.

Like us. Fools, madmen, pirates with a hold full of spoils from the last dozen merchantmen as stupid as we. Except they got to die quickly.

"Boy!" That's what I'm called, at least since the Captain's delerium started. "Water!"

Usually, I'd go running with a cup. Find the Captain sweltering on the rail, spyglass in hand, looking for anything but the featureless sea around us. But we've been out of water for days, and Captain is as likely to take a knife to my throat as he is to confuse me for his dead wife.

So, I find a hole below decks and wait it out. I don't even go topside in the daytime anymore, not since our most recent meal, after which I became the smallest and weakest aboard. Smaller now, after a few days living on roaches.

Somewhere, a fight breaks out. Sounds like Brassy Bill decided not to wait for the next lot to be drawn, and from the noise, he's found a few recruits to help. It's over in a few minutes, not so much a fight as two or three mushy thumps, then a body hitting the deck, then sounds I'd rather forget.

The Captain doesn't notice, or pretends not to.

That night, I expect a mutiny. Captain saves them the trouble. They find him hanging from a yardarm next morning. Brassy Bill says the eulogy: "Cut him down. Gut him."

My stomach growls. I stay put. I keep hidden, spend my nights picking through the leftovers for gristle. To keep my sanity, I count coins. We've got no food or water, but we have gold. Casks of it. Mountains. A Pillar's ransom, but no better than seawater to us, and forgotten by the others, just like me. I stack the coins. Build little forts with them. Arrange them by the Pillar's reign when each was struck, or by metal. Gold, silver, platinum, filthy copper.

One I don't recognize. It's black metal, with writing I can't read and symbols I don't know. I try to clean it, but the black doesn't scrub off.

It's beautiful. I don't know why, but I want to keep it. Surrounded by coins that hold no value out here in the still water, it's suddenly the most precious thing in the world. Where to keep it? I don't have pockets. My clothes are long gone; too hot to wear them. I put the black coin under my tongue and keep it there.

Next night, I poke my head up on deck outside my bolthole. I find a dead seagull. Lucky, no one else has seen it. I take it below decks and make quick work of it. First full belly in weeks.

A day or two later, we're blessed with a short squall. No wind, but about ten good minutes of rain. The others whoop like madmen, their mouths wide open toward the sky.

I find a bucket and put it under some runoff. It's half full by the time the squall leaves us and the sun resumes her reign.

That bucket is now priceless. Brassy Bill catches me with it a couple nights later. No words are spoken; I don't think he's got the spit for it. He comes after me with the Captain's saber. He'd always coveted it.

You know the funny thing? I don't think about the water. I think about protecting my coin. I bite down on it with my back teeth and put up a weak defense with a gaff hook from the hold. One-sided fight; even starving and half-dead, Bill's got a hundred pounds on me easy.

Then the damnedest thing happens. Brassy Bill, who'd spent years off and on at sea and climbed rigging like an ape, manages to trip himself over nothing and split his skull on a bulkhead. He falls dead at my feet before I even know what's happened.

I don't eat him, or even touch him. I grab my bucket and hide. The others come looking for him, find his corpse. They fight over him. He's big, meaty. Probably would keep the four of us fed for a week or more. But they aren't thinking like that.

Ugly fight, mostly teeth and fingernails, until one grabs Bill's saber. Not long before the new owner is the only one left. He uses the saber to start sawing away, shoving meat down his gullet, cut from men he'd sang songs with before we'd put to sea. He gorges himself until he collapses, exhausted, overfed.

I cut his throat with the saber.

Three days later, I'm found by a new steam-galleon on a trial run, flying Protectorate colors. They board, and are promptly horrified the way any civilized man would be at such a scene. I'm shackled and thrown into a brig far more comfortable than the hold I'd been sleeping in for a month. They douse me in water and throw clothes at me before I speak with the Captain.

I should be charged with piracy and murder, then fed to the fathom-spirits right then and there. Instead, coin still under my tongue, I mumble some horse-dung tale about stowing away to escape a drunk father, ship attacked by pirates, taken aboard as prisoner, so on so forth.

They buy it. Every word. Captain dresses me in a uniform, and I'm like his son for the rest of the voyage, starts talking about boarding schools and a proper upbringing. Sounds comfortable, but stifling. I wasn't on a pirate ship by accident, you see. First port of call, I'm gone, and with half the Captain's good silver.

I sold that long ago. Still have the black coin.
I'm a bad woman to keep
Make me mad, I'm not here to please
Paint me in a corner but my colour comes back
Once you go black, you never go back

- Gin Wigmore, "Black Sheep"

This is a result of #ScreamPrompts' January prompt: [link]

You're probably confused about the content. No reason you shouldn't be. The narrator is Talent, my luck-wizard from other places, whom I've been developing lately. This is an effort in that regard, inspired by #ScreamPrompts' prompt. Cool how that works, no?
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:iconlucy-merriman:
Critique by Lucy-Merriman Jan 15, 2013, 7:31:17 PM
Sorry if this critique gets a little rambly or tangent-y. Normally I'd write this in chronological order and highlight what I think works and what doesn't, but my brain is all over the place right now and I'm just going to type things as they come to me.

So, first. Why doesn't this guy have a name?

Second. I love your hook! So, great response to the prompt.

I love that the whole first paragraph implies what terrible thing is going on with subtlety; horror requires understatement. It also gives the impression that the narrator is in shock, or at least in a place where he's becoming numb to the whole experience. Great way to set the mood.

Third. But then, when his attitude changes, when events become more hopeful, why doesn't his speech change? It doesn't have to be a dramatic change. He still speaks in fragments, giving few details, even about important things, like the coin.

Especially at the end, it feels a bit rushed, like he's "telling" the epilogue instead of experiencing it.

Fourth. Some of the details/images you create are really great, though! It's over in a few minutes, not so much a fight as two or three mushy thumps, then a body hitting the deck, then sounds I'd rather forget. I can hear them.

Fifth. I find a dead seagull. Lucky, no one else has seen it. The word "lucky" really bothers me in this sentence. Maybe because we are already being shown that the coin is lucky, we don't need the guy to state it.

Sixth. The overall arc of the story is very solid. To quote `raspil, "Start with drama, end with change." You did that, and it never seemed to stall out or take any unnecessary turns. The story as a whole is a really engaging read.


That's it. That's all my brain can think of right now. Sorry this was so short and weird. Four stars for everything because I hate the star ratings and this is pretty good.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013   Writer
:+fav: Now, after reading a few comments, I'm going to have read your work about "Talent." I'm burning, mummifying with a desire to know what that black coin is and what it's power is for this [boy?] character. You didn't link it #ScreamPrompts yet that I can see, so I wonder what it is you feel is lacking here. Well, first: You wrote a good hook, that's for sure. Maybe the carnage and horror (well done, by the way, but perhaps too drawn out?) is what bothers you about this one, for the reason in parentheses. I don't know. I'm staying away from the lit crit box, but trying to give you a little anyway. This is all about the pirate, the boy and his black coin, but perhaps it isn't clear enough. Why does the black coin attract him so much? He can't see what's on it, only that it's "different." How is it different? What leads this character to put it under his tongue - besides the fact he has no pockets? Is is a small coin? The character is described as small, so it must be. Is there a way you can show that without "telling"? And write more about the black coin in addition to it's seemingly magic power? You describe things very concisely regarding the sailors dying, so I think you could also describe this coin a bit more and stay "in voice" - you know what I mean. When does the boy realize the black coin is what protects him, exactly? The seagull? I'm not sure and I guess I want to be. *sigh* Then again, I probably have to read about "Talent" to know more, right? And I will as time permits. Still, for a complete story, you want to have this feel very complete, right? By the way, I love how it ends. The ending is as fine as the hook is. In my humble opinion, maybe a little more TLC for the middle will do it, at least for me. Not describing death as much as describing life - the boy's life, you know? :heart:
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Howdy! I finally had some time to look at your comment; thanks for spending so much time on the story!

The lack of clarity is a main concern of mine, so you nailed that. This doesn't work very well as a stand-alone story if the reader doesn't have the background on the character.

Thanks so much for the detail on your observations. Very helpful stuff. :tighthug:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013   Writer
:iconyourewelcomesignplz:
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
COOL. Would this be a canon origins story?

/slow reader is slow
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
It would indeed. It's about Talent's first coin, which also happens to be the black one. BACKSTORY.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
I refuse to believe a story so inelegant and devoid of gasoline explosions and mysterious floating godheads is canon! But then again this is very 'you'. STILL THOUGH I PROTEST!
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
At least there was no poop magic. This time.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
crys
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
:iconcryforeverplz:
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
:iconlemongrabplz:
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:iconwynnesome:
wynnesome Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Professional Photographer
Creepy horror, you do it well.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Quite honored, thank you.
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:iconwynnesome:
wynnesome Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Photographer
Always welcome. :)
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Although I'm not familiar with your Talent character, I was telling myself as I read this what a strong and distinct voice this had. I'll have to wander over to the other tales where he's featured someday soon. Good work!
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Wow, did you really just read a prose thing? The hell, Will? :)

Thanks, man. I appreciate that very much.
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:iconfllnthblnk:
fllnthblnk Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
inorite? You should feel honored, lol!

I usually substitute my lack of prose-reading with free cookie giveaways to distract the unwary public. It works. Uh, most of the time.
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:icontariencole:
TarienCole Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Criminy. This was a dark bit of reading that had me chuckling even as it made my stomach churn with revulsion. The plain way he speaks of the ultimate taboo. The twists that follow the 'luck,' and the feel of the sea in the Age of Sail, with one of their true fears, being becalmed. And all of it told through a character who I can't help sympathizing with because I always felt like that 'runt' when I served on submarines.

Great read.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013
Thank you, even more so for appreciating the voice as for your thoughtful comment. :salute:
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:icontariencole:
TarienCole Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Not a problem. ;)
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:iconsadisticicecream:
SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   Writer
Reminds me of a very twisted Rime of the Ancient Mariner. It's good to see you writing again. :D
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013
Maybe if they'd started eating each other, that poem would have been shorter.

Thanks. :hug:
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:iconsadisticicecream:
SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013   Writer
:rofl: 15-year-old me would have been thrilled!

No problem! :hug:
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:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I had a feeling I recognized the 'voice' from somewhere but could not quite remember where. Another thoroughly engaging tale. You make the ugliest situations (and characters) so compelling to read about.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
I'm glad you find the voice distinctive; I'm trying to keep it like that for Talent's stories.

Thank you!
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:iconorphicfiddler:
orphicfiddler Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
You overachiever, you, with your January ScreamPrompt all done already.

Loved it. Mmm, cannibalism.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
Yummy!

I haven't noted Rasp with it yet; letting it sit for a while and collect comments. There are a few things that need fixing, I think.
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:iconaranov:
Aranov Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Oh /him/. Yeah. Donner, party of four... This reminds me of a podcast on the Age of Exploration: going out there in a leaky little tub is like playing Russian roulette. If you made it back, one little sack of spices would be enough to set you up for life. But the question is /if/ you're going to make it back...
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013
I don't know why I don't listen to more podcasts. Is that from NPR or History Channel or somesuch?

Thanks for the read. :hug:
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:iconaranov:
Aranov Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
None of the above. [link] He's doing a really cool series on Genghis Khan and his aftermath right now. Fun stuff.

Always. :hug:
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
Cool. Has he ever tackled the Crimean War or the Taiping Rebellion? Those are of particular interest right now.
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:iconaranov:
Aranov Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
Unfortunately, no. Didn't Dr Watson get shot in Crimea? No, he was in Afghanistan and Florence Nightingale was in Crimea. Maybe. I forget.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
Watson was in the Anglo-Afghan War, Florence Nightingale was Crimea. So yes. :)
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:iconaranov:
Aranov Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Professional Artisan Crafter
YAY! I win at untangling my fictional and nonfictional history. :XD:
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:iconkreepingspawn:
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Gnarly. ;)
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
:salute:
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:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I like it very much. Of course, I want to know where the coin originated. But, if you didn't leave off with a bit of a mystery worth reading more, you wouldn't be you. :frail:
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Not many people want to know where the black coins come from, but then again, you aren't like many people.

Thank you. :frail:
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:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
:frail:
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:icontariencole:
TarienCole Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Fascinating read. I don't have time right now (That work thing is calling) to do a thorough critique (if you wish one :P ) right now. But as always, I enjoy your imagery.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I'll take any comments you've got to give. Thanks, sir. :salute:
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:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
The unfortunate deaths of those who deserve it. Messy.
When the coin went under his tongue, I imagined a big thing a little larger than a quarter. But it'd be hard to talk with that. Probably the only thing I'd change is adding that the coin was "little" or something.
Cheers!
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Good point. Thank you!
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:iconnamelessshe:
NamelessShe Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I got chills reading this. A little confusing at first, but the information I wanted came soon enough. The pov character is interesting and I love the tone of the piece. When you mentioned black teeth, it made mine hurt. :XD: It was a nice detail though, people tend to forget about things like that when it comes to pirates.

I really like the black coin. I think it was a good choice to give as little information about it as you did---made it more interesting and mysterious.

This is an excellent piece. Well paced. Feels complete. Very vivid and parts disturbed me a bit<---not a bad thing though. I liked it. The only part I wasn't really feeling was just one sentence "The others whoop like madmen, open their mouths to the sky like turkeys." It's the part about turkeys. Not a big deal though. I pictured turkeys dressed like pirates and looking up at the sky.
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:iconmemnalar:
Memnalar Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Thank you for sticking with it. Wasn't sure how this would go over, since it's about a character established elsewhere, so I'm not giving a lot of background.

Ha, turkeys! It's an old myth that turkeys are so dumb that they'll stare up at the rain with their mouths open until they drown, but I couldn't get the image out of my head. Thanks for the comment.
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